December 29, 2011

i guess it really says how you feel about me when you totally ignore what i sent you for christmas, totally ignore a christmas card, and don't even bother to send me a stupid text saying merry christmas. i guess i was stupid to think you really cared about me and wanted to be my friend. what gets me is that even through all this, i realize i still love you. and that just makes it hurt worse. that i would do anything in the world for you but you don't give a dam about me. and i hate that i can't do anything about it. everything i had done for you doesn't seem to make a difference. it feels like the past year has meant nothing to you. maybe someday you will tell me where i stand with you because i don't know anymore.

December 22, 2011

i feel so stupid for thinking you cared. so stupid for giving you my heart. now i cry every night because i have given you everything and i got nothing. all i want is to be a part of your life. i don't want much. just to know that you really care. to talk to you. for you to be there for me. i feel so alone. i feel like everyone is disappearing on me and i can't trust anyone anymore. i cry every night because my heart is breaking. i feel stupid for thinking that someone actually cared. that someone might actually have loved me. now i am alone. and i hate it. do you even think about me anymore? you cross my mind all the time. i miss how we use to talk all the time and i felt like i could tell you anything. now i feel like everything about me is just wrong. that i am stupid and can't do anything right and i just feel so in the way of everyone. i am just so lost. i don't know how long i can do this anymore. i felt so complete with you. now i feel like i am drowning. and no one is there to save me.

October 30, 2011

What is it about me that makes you not want to talk to me? What did I do wrong? I feel like I have done something so wrong to make you disappear. You don't know that I am hurting inside. I guess it is too much to ask to be remembered. I am sorry for whatever I did. Sorry for being me. Sorry I am not as pretty as she is. Sorry for keeping my word. Being loyal. I am keeping my promises will you?

September 28, 2011

i sometimes wonder if you ever notice that i don't answer your question about what i am up to. that i just concentrate on you. i wonder if you ever care to really find out. or do you think i don't do anything at all? sometimes i wonder if you ever think about asking again. i never know where to start. do you want to know about work? school? the stress? how i wonder if i can make it through it all? that i wonder if i am good enough for it? good enough for anyone? am i worth it? so many things run through my head i have no idea where to start. in the end it is easier to just concentrate on you. but inside i am dying. from the pressure. the stress. everything. wondering where i stand with you. you use to text me just to say good morning or good night. you use to say that you missed me and thought about me. you don't say that anymore. maybe you still do. maybe you don't. i have no idea and i don't want to lose you. i told you a year ago almost exactly that i loved you. you said it too. but you haven't said it in so long. maybe you just don't. but maybe you do. i hope you do but sometimes i wish i didn't. because then i start to hurt because i don't want to get my hope up. and it just leads to a big cicle of wondering then why you don't talk to me. i don't know. maybe i am just being stupid. or crazy. or both. i am sure whoever is reading this probably thinks i am crazy. i am just confused. left wondering what is going on. i thought things would be so different. i think you did too.

September 21, 2011

am i even worth it to you anymore? is it just easier to ignore me? why not just tell me you don't even want to be my friend anymore? it would hurt less to hear that than to keep thinking i mean anything to you. maybe it is just a lesson to me to not trust anyone anymore. i have learned an expensive lesson. don't give my heart to anyone. but i have and i can't really take it back. you have it and you probably always will. every guy i think about makes me think of you. it has almost been a month since you last talked to me. i am tired of trying to talk with no response. i don't like being the first one to talk anymore but i feel like you won't talk first. i guess i was stupid to expect that we would stay in contact. remember promising me that i wouldn't be cut off? it feels like i am cut off. i don't expect to talk all the time but what is wrong with wanting to talk or text once a week? i have never wanted anything in return except to stay in contact but you block me on facebook, you don't call me or even text. you never write back. maybe i am trying too hard. maybe i am expecting too much but to just stay in contact somehow doesn't seem like much to ask for. especially for all that i have done. maybe i am just being played. i hate questioning where i stand with people. it has become one of the worst feelings in the world. i would ask what i could change to make it so you would want to talk to me but then i would wonder would i still be me? i don't even know if you think about me at all. do i cross your mind like you do mine? i wonder what i did to make it so that you don't want to talk to me or at least feel that way. i never thought it would be this way. i thought we would see each other more. be able to talk more. just more everything but it is the opposite of what i thought it would be like. i am just more confused than ever. i hate that i feel like i have no one to talk to and that i have to put all this out here because i can't hold it inside any longer. i don't think you will see this either but if you do, call me or text me. tell me where i stand. you told me once that you needed me. is that still true? i need you. even if not, you got a spot still in my heart that no one will ever have.

September 04, 2011

i wish i could go back to the way things were. where we were so close. that i knew where i stood with you. now i need you the most, you are gone. you only talk to me when you need something from me. i don't mind helping you out. i told you i would always be there for you and i still will. no matter how much i am ignored or hurt. i guess i am like a dog. loyal and will still love the owner no matter how many times they hit them. my mind tells me to let you go and just move on but my heart says no. i have given you stuff some real special stuff that i can never get back and i don't even know if you realize how special that is. maybe i am just not worth it. you use to make me feel so special. i miss what we had. i felt like we were so close. now i am lucky if you talk to me or even think of me when i think of you every day. i have so much i want to say but i hide it inside. i have become so quiet. it hurts. i am just so confused these days and i have no idea if the direction i am taking is right or if i am just blindly making my way through life.  i have a feeling that i am not worth much to anyone anymore. sometimes i wonder if i just disappear would anyone notice? maybe i am just a fool. and i am just tired. physically and emotionally. i wish i could talk to you about this but i can't. maybe it is my pride. but i can't talk to anyone else because there is just too much. and too much of it i can't talk about with anyone but you.

July 20, 2011

is it wrong to want to be needed or wanted? to know that you are valued by your friends? to get a simple text saying hi how are you? every once in a while? to know that you are thought of? even if you can't really talk but just have a second to let someone know that you care about them? i have found that i crave these small things that may be annoying to other people but they mean so much to me.

June 20, 2011

This year has not been all that great. Some good things have happened and some not that great things. I have gotten into graduate school which is good. But it just seems to have brought more battles to conquer than I thought and more stress that really isn't related to what you would think it would be from. It was hard enough to just get financial aid. At first I wasn't sure if I would need it because I had enough to cover it but it just seems like money is flying out of my pocket so fast i am glad I got it because I do really need it now. It scares me though having to use it because I have no idea when anyone is actually going to want to hire me. It is just stressing me out. I hate spending this much money. I haven't ever really been a big spender (which is why I drive a 10 year old car and have a 6 year old laptop that are just both hanging in there) and I was always proud of how much I had saved and stuff. Registration was a pain. I signed up for 2 classes and one of them totally got messed up. I wasn't on the teacher's class list or on the webct part. The only place that showed I was in the class was in my student records and then it turned out there were prerequisites for the class so I have no idea how I was able to sign up for the class anyway. So they dropped me. My parents decided to send me to help my sister move so now I am way behind on school work because I haven't had Internet access for a couple days and haven't had time to read the textbook and I had just been so tired from packing and moving. I have gotten about 6 hours of sleep the past 3 or 4 days. I have no clue how I am going to catch up. Then I just seem to not be able to live up to everyone's expectations. I am never good enough. I feel so unwanted. I feel like I am just in the way of everyone. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I have no idea who I can even talk to anymore because it seems like everyone has their own stuff to deal with and I am just in their way bothering them or something. Which is why I guess I am writing all this on a blog. Cause I need to talk this out somewhere. I don't think anyone reads this anyway.