Posts

Showing posts from 2011
i guess it really says how you feel about me when you totally ignore what i sent you for christmas, totally ignore a christmas card, and don't even bother to send me a stupid text saying merry christmas. i guess i was stupid to think you really cared about me and wanted to be my friend. what gets me is that even through all this, i realize i still love you. and that just makes it hurt worse. that i would do anything in the world for you but you don't give a dam about me. and i hate that i can't do anything about it. everything i had done for you doesn't seem to make a difference. it feels like the past year has meant nothing to you. maybe someday you will tell me where i stand with you because i don't know anymore.
i feel so stupid for thinking you cared. so stupid for giving you my heart. now i cry every night because i have given you everything and i got nothing. all i want is to be a part of your life. i don't want much. just to know that you really care. to talk to you. for you to be there for me. i feel so alone. i feel like everyone is disappearing on me and i can't trust anyone anymore. i cry every night because my heart is breaking. i feel stupid for thinking that someone actually cared. that someone might actually have loved me. now i am alone. and i hate it. do you even think about me anymore? you cross my mind all the time. i miss how we use to talk all the time and i felt like i could tell you anything. now i feel like everything about me is just wrong. that i am stupid and can't do anything right and i just feel so in the way of everyone. i am just so lost. i don't know how long i can do this anymore. i felt so complete with you. now i feel like i am drowning. and no
What is it about me that makes you not want to talk to me? What did I do wrong? I feel like I have done something so wrong to make you disappear. You don't know that I am hurting inside. I guess it is too much to ask to be remembered. I am sorry for whatever I did. Sorry for being me. Sorry I am not as pretty as she is. Sorry for keeping my word. Being loyal. I am keeping my promises will you?
i sometimes wonder if you ever notice that i don't answer your question about what i am up to. that i just concentrate on you. i wonder if you ever care to really find out. or do you think i don't do anything at all? sometimes i wonder if you ever think about asking again. i never know where to start. do you want to know about work? school? the stress? how i wonder if i can make it through it all? that i wonder if i am good enough for it? good enough for anyone? am i worth it? so many things run through my head i have no idea where to start. in the end it is easier to just concentrate on you. but inside i am dying. from the pressure. the stress. everything. wondering where i stand with you. you use to text me just to say good morning or good night. you use to say that you missed me and thought about me. you don't say that anymore. maybe you still do. maybe you don't. i have no idea and i don't want to lose you. i told you a year ago almost exactly that i loved you.
am i even worth it to you anymore? is it just easier to ignore me? why not just tell me you don't even want to be my friend anymore? it would hurt less to hear that than to keep thinking i mean anything to you. maybe it is just a lesson to me to not trust anyone anymore. i have learned an expensive lesson. don't give my heart to anyone. but i have and i can't really take it back. you have it and you probably always will. every guy i think about makes me think of you. it has almost been a month since you last talked to me. i am tired of trying to talk with no response. i don't like being the first one to talk anymore but i feel like you won't talk first. i guess i was stupid to expect that we would stay in contact. remember promising me that i wouldn't be cut off? it feels like i am cut off. i don't expect to talk all the time but what is wrong with wanting to talk or text once a week? i have never wanted anything in return except to stay in contact but you b
i wish i could go back to the way things were. where we were so close. that i knew where i stood with you. now i need you the most, you are gone. you only talk to me when you need something from me. i don't mind helping you out. i told you i would always be there for you and i still will. no matter how much i am ignored or hurt. i guess i am like a dog. loyal and will still love the owner no matter how many times they hit them. my mind tells me to let you go and just move on but my heart says no. i have given you stuff some real special stuff that i can never get back and i don't even know if you realize how special that is. maybe i am just not worth it. you use to make me feel so special. i miss what we had. i felt like we were so close. now i am lucky if you talk to me or even think of me when i think of you every day. i have so much i want to say but i hide it inside. i have become so quiet. it hurts. i am just so confused these days and i have no idea if the direction i am
is it wrong to want to be needed or wanted? to know that you are valued by your friends? to get a simple text saying hi how are you? every once in a while? to know that you are thought of? even if you can't really talk but just have a second to let someone know that you care about them? i have found that i crave these small things that may be annoying to other people but they mean so much to me.
This year has not been all that great. Some good things have happened and some not that great things. I have gotten into graduate school which is good. But it just seems to have brought more battles to conquer than I thought and more stress that really isn't related to what you would think it would be from. It was hard enough to just get financial aid. At first I wasn't sure if I would need it because I had enough to cover it but it just seems like money is flying out of my pocket so fast i am glad I got it because I do really need it now. It scares me though having to use it because I have no idea when anyone is actually going to want to hire me. It is just stressing me out. I hate spending this much money. I haven't ever really been a big spender (which is why I drive a 10 year old car and have a 6 year old laptop that are just both hanging in there) and I was always proud of how much I had saved and stuff. Registration was a pain. I signed up for 2 classes and one of the