June 15, 2014

I haven't been on here in more than 2 years. What has happened in that time? Everything from going from having savings and a job and a car and computer and pretty much anything I want and people that I at least thought cared about me to being betrayed by those people or having my heart broken by them stepped on. Broke and having absolutely nothing. Having clothes that are 3 and 4 sizes too big but not being able to get new ones. I guess I am lucky enough to have clean clothes. I got no job. I have seen shoot outs. Learned about life that I never thought I would. I had book smarts before but I know have learned street smarts. Am I happy? No. I am hungry a lot. I am haunted by my past and it hurts me every day. I crave the love I thought I had from people but I see how easy people disappear when your life gets bad. It makes me want to go down the rode that people already assume I have gone down. Sometimes I want to do drugs and get fucked up to just forget everything. To numb the pain. I can't even talk to no one anymore. I got no one. I am one step away from living on the streets and no one cares. No one knows that pain until you are here. And I hope you never are. Because once you are here there is no way out. Everyone hates you and everyone that you thought was real is just fake.

February 29, 2012

Why do I keep hoping that you will just even talk to me? I feel so stupid every time I text you and I get no response. What happened to us? I think back to a year ago and how things were so different. It kills me to think how close we were and now... I just don't know. All I ever did was care. And give and give and give. Until I have nothing left. But I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders and you don't seem to care. I have kept my word, when will you?

February 27, 2012

Sometimes I feel like I am just a big joke to everyone. I put my heart out on the line and all I do is get stomped on. Be there and be my friend or show yourself the door. I don't have time for part time friends. My life for the past 2 or so years has been full of people that will just take and take and never give anything back. I am just so tired. Show me your real and it could be the best thing you ever did. I am loyal and I feel like I am special. But everyone just is never there unless they need something. I am tired of that.

February 22, 2012

i guess it is time that i really realize that you don't care about me at all. that i am not even on your list of people to care about. i am dying inside and it hurts so bad because i care a ton about you. even just as friends. i make time for everyone that i care about and you don't even seem to try. it just feels like i am drowning and you are just watching me and not doing a thing. i need a sign that someone out there really cares about me. do you even remember what today was? i guess i am stupid. i can't do this anymore. i hurt inside and i feel like i am screaming inside and i can't do anything about it. i just wish i didn't feel like a big nothing to you.

February 14, 2012

I guess I was stupid to think that you would think about me today. Or even return my happy valentines day text. I guess people really are too busy to send a 2 second text.
I just feel so ignored. Not important enough to even talk to. I might as well be invisible
I need some kind of sign that you still care, still think of me, that I cross your mind at all. Because I do. And I am dying inside at the thought that it was all fake. I want it all to be real. Maybe I will never know. And that is what scares me.

February 10, 2012

I miss your voice
And the way we use to talk
I miss your hugs
And how you believed in me
I miss how you made me feel so much better
And how you listened to what I had to say when no one else did
I hate how we don't talk anymore
And I would give anything to see you again
But most of all
I just miss YOU!!

February 05, 2012

i just wish i could disappear. i am hurting inside and i feel like i got the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one cares at all. when i am crying, i got no one there to talk to. i often wonder if i do just disappear, would anyone come after me? sometimes i just want to go totally off the grid and see if anyone notices. see if anyone cares enough to come look for me. those will be the real friends. do i have any real people in my life or just people that take and take? i don't want anything back except for friendship- real friendship. people that got my back like i do theirs. but i guess that is too much to ask these days. even just a little time of day is too much to ask anyone. but i am always at the bottom of everyone's list if i even make the list.