September 28, 2011

i sometimes wonder if you ever notice that i don't answer your question about what i am up to. that i just concentrate on you. i wonder if you ever care to really find out. or do you think i don't do anything at all? sometimes i wonder if you ever think about asking again. i never know where to start. do you want to know about work? school? the stress? how i wonder if i can make it through it all? that i wonder if i am good enough for it? good enough for anyone? am i worth it? so many things run through my head i have no idea where to start. in the end it is easier to just concentrate on you. but inside i am dying. from the pressure. the stress. everything. wondering where i stand with you. you use to text me just to say good morning or good night. you use to say that you missed me and thought about me. you don't say that anymore. maybe you still do. maybe you don't. i have no idea and i don't want to lose you. i told you a year ago almost exactly that i loved you. you said it too. but you haven't said it in so long. maybe you just don't. but maybe you do. i hope you do but sometimes i wish i didn't. because then i start to hurt because i don't want to get my hope up. and it just leads to a big cicle of wondering then why you don't talk to me. i don't know. maybe i am just being stupid. or crazy. or both. i am sure whoever is reading this probably thinks i am crazy. i am just confused. left wondering what is going on. i thought things would be so different. i think you did too.

September 21, 2011

am i even worth it to you anymore? is it just easier to ignore me? why not just tell me you don't even want to be my friend anymore? it would hurt less to hear that than to keep thinking i mean anything to you. maybe it is just a lesson to me to not trust anyone anymore. i have learned an expensive lesson. don't give my heart to anyone. but i have and i can't really take it back. you have it and you probably always will. every guy i think about makes me think of you. it has almost been a month since you last talked to me. i am tired of trying to talk with no response. i don't like being the first one to talk anymore but i feel like you won't talk first. i guess i was stupid to expect that we would stay in contact. remember promising me that i wouldn't be cut off? it feels like i am cut off. i don't expect to talk all the time but what is wrong with wanting to talk or text once a week? i have never wanted anything in return except to stay in contact but you block me on facebook, you don't call me or even text. you never write back. maybe i am trying too hard. maybe i am expecting too much but to just stay in contact somehow doesn't seem like much to ask for. especially for all that i have done. maybe i am just being played. i hate questioning where i stand with people. it has become one of the worst feelings in the world. i would ask what i could change to make it so you would want to talk to me but then i would wonder would i still be me? i don't even know if you think about me at all. do i cross your mind like you do mine? i wonder what i did to make it so that you don't want to talk to me or at least feel that way. i never thought it would be this way. i thought we would see each other more. be able to talk more. just more everything but it is the opposite of what i thought it would be like. i am just more confused than ever. i hate that i feel like i have no one to talk to and that i have to put all this out here because i can't hold it inside any longer. i don't think you will see this either but if you do, call me or text me. tell me where i stand. you told me once that you needed me. is that still true? i need you. even if not, you got a spot still in my heart that no one will ever have.

September 04, 2011

i wish i could go back to the way things were. where we were so close. that i knew where i stood with you. now i need you the most, you are gone. you only talk to me when you need something from me. i don't mind helping you out. i told you i would always be there for you and i still will. no matter how much i am ignored or hurt. i guess i am like a dog. loyal and will still love the owner no matter how many times they hit them. my mind tells me to let you go and just move on but my heart says no. i have given you stuff some real special stuff that i can never get back and i don't even know if you realize how special that is. maybe i am just not worth it. you use to make me feel so special. i miss what we had. i felt like we were so close. now i am lucky if you talk to me or even think of me when i think of you every day. i have so much i want to say but i hide it inside. i have become so quiet. it hurts. i am just so confused these days and i have no idea if the direction i am taking is right or if i am just blindly making my way through life.  i have a feeling that i am not worth much to anyone anymore. sometimes i wonder if i just disappear would anyone notice? maybe i am just a fool. and i am just tired. physically and emotionally. i wish i could talk to you about this but i can't. maybe it is my pride. but i can't talk to anyone else because there is just too much. and too much of it i can't talk about with anyone but you.