i sometimes wonder if you ever notice that i don't answer your question about what i am up to. that i just concentrate on you. i wonder if you ever care to really find out. or do you think i don't do anything at all? sometimes i wonder if you ever think about asking again. i never know where to start. do you want to know about work? school? the stress? how i wonder if i can make it through it all? that i wonder if i am good enough for it? good enough for anyone? am i worth it? so many things run through my head i have no idea where to start. in the end it is easier to just concentrate on you. but inside i am dying. from the pressure. the stress. everything. wondering where i stand with you. you use to text me just to say good morning or good night. you use to say that you missed me and thought about me. you don't say that anymore. maybe you still do. maybe you don't. i have no idea and i don't want to lose you. i told you a year ago almost exactly that i loved you. ...
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am i even worth it to you anymore? is it just easier to ignore me? why not just tell me you don't even want to be my friend anymore? it would hurt less to hear that than to keep thinking i mean anything to you. maybe it is just a lesson to me to not trust anyone anymore. i have learned an expensive lesson. don't give my heart to anyone. but i have and i can't really take it back. you have it and you probably always will. every guy i think about makes me think of you. it has almost been a month since you last talked to me. i am tired of trying to talk with no response. i don't like being the first one to talk anymore but i feel like you won't talk first. i guess i was stupid to expect that we would stay in contact. remember promising me that i wouldn't be cut off? it feels like i am cut off. i don't expect to talk all the time but what is wrong with wanting to talk or text once a week? i have never wanted anything in return except to stay in contact but you b...
i wish i could go back to the way things were. where we were so close. that i knew where i stood with you. now i need you the most, you are gone. you only talk to me when you need something from me. i don't mind helping you out. i told you i would always be there for you and i still will. no matter how much i am ignored or hurt. i guess i am like a dog. loyal and will still love the owner no matter how many times they hit them. my mind tells me to let you go and just move on but my heart says no. i have given you stuff some real special stuff that i can never get back and i don't even know if you realize how special that is. maybe i am just not worth it. you use to make me feel so special. i miss what we had. i felt like we were so close. now i am lucky if you talk to me or even think of me when i think of you every day. i have so much i want to say but i hide it inside. i have become so quiet. it hurts. i am just so confused these days and i have no idea if the direction i am ...
is it wrong to want to be needed or wanted? to know that you are valued by your friends? to get a simple text saying hi how are you? every once in a while? to know that you are thought of? even if you can't really talk but just have a second to let someone know that you care about them? i have found that i crave these small things that may be annoying to other people but they mean so much to me.
This year has not been all that great. Some good things have happened and some not that great things. I have gotten into graduate school which is good. But it just seems to have brought more battles to conquer than I thought and more stress that really isn't related to what you would think it would be from. It was hard enough to just get financial aid. At first I wasn't sure if I would need it because I had enough to cover it but it just seems like money is flying out of my pocket so fast i am glad I got it because I do really need it now. It scares me though having to use it because I have no idea when anyone is actually going to want to hire me. It is just stressing me out. I hate spending this much money. I haven't ever really been a big spender (which is why I drive a 10 year old car and have a 6 year old laptop that are just both hanging in there) and I was always proud of how much I had saved and stuff. Registration was a pain. I signed up for 2 classes and one of the...
do you guys ever google yourself to see where you show up on the internet? i do ever so often. most of my results are from facebook. most of it is junk results like the sites that tell you you can get people's information for free....but the big secret is you can search for the person for free but to get all the details you have to pay for it. has anyone looked at spokeo.com? it is so funny! it has a lot of information on you gathered from its search through the internet. i looked myself up. it says i am 27 (a few years off...) it says i am in a relationship (ha! i wish!) and that i have kids (which is even funnier because i have never had sex....wonder where the kids came from?) so they are a little off....
i have been really cleaning out my stuff lately. i have gone through a lot of stuff and thrown it away. i haven't been doing much lately other than that. i have been writting lots of letters to my penpals. it feels like i cant get ahead on that one. i write a lot and then i check my mail there are more! i think i have too many penpals but i don't want to say no either. some i think will fall off naturally so i am sure it will work out.
i feel so stupid. i did terrible on the GRE. i don't think i will get into graduate school. my scores and lack of people i can ask for letters of recommendations are my doom. i can't think of anyone that would be able to give me a good letter of recommendations. yea i don't think any of my teachers would remember me. i wasn't that great in any of my classes and the ones i did do will in were like 5 years ago. who would give a recommendation to a person that they saw more than 5 years ago? yea right. no work recommendations either. i am soooo hopeless. also the fact that i don't even know what i want to do in graduate school. i am only thinking of graduate school because i can't get a job. wow i am like batting a 0 of 1000 or whatever the saying is. i am a terrible student/friend/worker/daughter/sister/human being.
so i am all signed up to take the GRE in 12 days. so i found out today that the program i want to do isn't accreditted. i am soooo frustrated now. i don't even know what to do now. a lot of other places that i wan to apply either i don't think i can get in or they require letters of recommendations and i don't even know who i should ask to do those for me. i don't work for anyone and i don't think any of my old teachers remember me. i am so confused and lost about what i should do.
do you think it is weird to list bras on ebay? i have 3 that i never wore and they still have the tags and everything. they just sat around for like 2 years. anyway they are not the right size anymore so i am not planing to wear them. so i thought why not? oh well it seems like out of the stuff i list, it is the weird things that i don't think will sell, they sell right away. now that ebay is finally having free auction listings, i don't mind putting some stuff up there just to see how it goes. next weekend is going to be crazy and weird. everyone is coming home for the holiday. i am never sure what everyone is going to say to me. most of the time it is an insult.
so i think i am going to finally take the gre and go to graduate school. i think i will go to sam houston and get a masters of library science. i don't know if i will get in. i think i have until august 1st to apply but i am going to try to get it all together by the end of june. going to my sisters college graduation was cool. we also got her all packed up and ready to move to NYC next month. we walked everywhere! i was so tired by the end of the trip. you would think that with as much walking as we did, i would have lost weight but we ate a ton. we went out to every meal. i am scared to weigh myself. i avoid scales like the plague. i upgraded some of things in my computer. i got a bigger harddrive. i got a 500gb harddrive. i wanted bigger but for laptops there isn't as much of a choice as there is for desktops. i also got more ram. all that needs to be done is a new fan because i think mine doesn't work right because my computer gets really hot when i do lots of things...
i got my new drivers license today. the new design looks weird. i like the old design better. for my new picture they had me take off my glasses which i wear all the time. i thought it was kinda weird because i were them all the time and anyone that will need to look at the license probably should see a picture of how i usually look you know? but i think they told me to take it off maybe because of the flash? oh well i can't change it now. i got the next book in the elsie dinsmore a life of faith series. i have been checking them out from the library and there are 8 books. i am on the 7th book and i had to be on a waiting list for it. i like the series though and i don't mind waiting. i applied to work at krogers and i had a drug test done today and they will be doing a background check on me too. it will probably be like my credit report and have nothing on there. anyway i never thought i would end up working at krogers after college. but i think they were going to put me at t...
i feel like i need to update this but i really don't have anything to say. nothing new is really going on. my sister is coming home tomorrow and her birthday is next week. i got her a present today and a funny card. it is one of those hoops and yo cards with sound. they are so funny. :) anyway i am alive.
so i am going to have my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i am going to have all 4 taken out at the same time. i hope it doesn't hurt too much. i will probably get to eat lots of ice cream and yummy stuff like that! :) i updated the look to my guestbook. mainly i just changed the colors. i am glad that some of you actually have signed it! i like hearing back from you readers that actually read my blog. :)
not much is going on. i have been told i am too boring. i guess i don't care because i am not going to do a whole bunch of stuff that i don't want to do just be not boring. i would do more of some stuff if i was actually good at them but since i have a limited choice of what i am good at, i guess that makes my life boring. anyway i am going to get at least one of my wisdom teeth out. tomorrow i am going to i guess a specialist to see if i am going to go ahead and just have them all out or just the one. my dentist said that i might as well have them all out at the same time since i am young and can handle it better than having more problems when i am older. i kinda agree. might as well get the pain over with. don't know when i will actually get them out. probably soon. hopefully by next week.
so valentines day is coming up soon. i don't think i will get anything this year as usual. last year i actually bought stuff for myself. that was a new low. i don't think i will buy myself anything this year unless i suddenly get a lot of money and then i would buy myself an imac. but i haven't really gotten anything for valentines day since the days of when your friends would give you a card or something. remember the days when you would buy those little cards to hand out to your whole class? i don't think i have ever had a real valentine. it would be cool to finally have a boyfriend so i could actually celebrate this holiday but i am not going to go out and get a boyfriend just for that. anyway i don't think anyone is ever going to be interested in me. most people just can't get beyond the fat. and for me it is all in 2 areas that don't seem to want to go away. no matter what i do. my clothes sizes are at least 2 sizes bigger just because of these 2 areas....
i finally got paid for all of my lovely work while i was shortly employed! i got a lot more than i thought i would. either they took pity on me or f*** you atrs you should not have fired me because if i did that great during 2 1/2 weeks maybe you should have kept me around. but it is their lose and my gain and i can find a better job that i actually like. sorry i just needed to get that out. i thought they would be wimps and not send me anything i earned. but it isn't exactly like winnning the lottery but it will be good for my bank account. how is everyone's new year so far? i ordered a guitar off ebay and i got it last week. it was very cheap and i got what i paid for. but hopefully i can learn off of it.
so this is our christmas tree. it is kinda fuzzy but it shows the lights the best out of all the pictures i tried to take. i got a new camera for christmas. that is probably the best thing i got this year but that is ok because i don't really need anything. anyway the things i really want are too big to be christmas presents. i got a couple of gift cards. i got harry potter and the half blood prince and the new backstreet boys cd. i hope everyone had a good christmas!